So, here’s the backstory.
I met Amina at Subjectivity, a debate show which allows people to share their views on controversial issues and respectfully listen to other people’s perspectives even if it’s different to theirs.
This particular show was on ‘dating dilemmas: the terms and conditions of our expectations’. I remember how much tension was in the room until Amina spoke about the wounded feminine and wounded masculine – the entire room was silent and we listened to what she had to say. Instantly, I knew I had to have a conversation with her.
So, we caught up last Saturday. Here’s what we discussed:
Q. So, what is the wounded masculine and wounded feminine?
The wounded feminine, some of the traits that you’ll find is people-pleasing, you’ll feel powerless you don’t feel like you can make changes, you don’t feel self-sufficient, you feel confused. You are constantly seeking validation, you feel desperate, you feel unworthy, you fear being abandoned. You feel ashamed about who you are and your actions.
One of the main ways it manifests is struggling to say no, struggling to have solid boundaries, which links to people-pleasing and feeling unworthy and feeling you have to be the one to compromise in order to meet people’s needs.
On the other hand, you have the wounded masculine, which is very dominating, it lacks trust, it’s controlling, it’s demanding, it’s overachieving. So, when people are in that workaholic mode that’s somebody in their wounded masculine trying to overachieve. It’s very reactive, it’s aggressive, it’s closed off emotionally and manipulative.
One thing I’m learning as I go through life and I start to meet people where I’m starting to observe these traits in them and I also obviously see it in myself first and foremost. I think it comes from the same place, just not feeling like you are enough and being imbalanced because of that sense of unworthiness and lack of self-love.
Q. So, what would you say is the healthy masculine and healthy feminine?
The healthy feminine would receive instead of expect. The wounded feminine would expect to have her needs to be met because she feels entitled in some way. Whereas the healthy feminine is open to receive and let go. Just goes with the flow, is open, receptive, warm, also very grounded, very secure and vulnerable because that requires strength of course.
I think the healthy masculine is a provider, a protector, a leader. But of course, whether you are a man or woman you need a balance of both. You need to be able to tap into both energies.
When we find that balance within us, we will attract other balanced people. We won’t attract someone who is in their wounded masculine or someone who is in their wounded feminine. They will hopefully be balanced like us.
It’s when there’s polarity, that is very compelling – it’s magnetising. I know this because being in my wounded feminine for so long. I attract men who are in their wounded masculine or I had been attracting men who were in their wounded masculine because those traits feed off each other. For example, a wounded masculine man who is overachieving and successful in a superficial level due to that overachieving is attractive to someone who’s in their wounded feminine and who is seeking validation and wants to feel more worthy because a man who’s successful in a superficial level will make her feel as though she’s the prize and that validates her.
If I’m a people pleaser because I’m in my wounded feminine then it’s going to be attractive to a man who wants to dominate and control me because it’s an easy task to control someone who’s people-pleasing and somebody who doesn’t have strong rigid boundaries.
Q. You touched on overachieving – can you expand on this?
I was like all wounded feminine right and then I had a relationship that sort of brought me into a little bit more balance, but it brought me into my wounded masculine, I sort of took on a few of his traits. So, I started to notice that sort of overachieving mindset as well, as a way, one of escaping but also, I didn’t get the validation, I wanted from that person. So, I just thought how am I going to get that need met? That need for validation that I have. And it was through overachieving in terms of career. Like on a superficial level, in terms of like career and money. Those things can be important, and they are not by any means sort of evil. I mean it’s still a worthwhile pursuit to go after the career of your dreams and to want to build wealth for yourself that is healthy. But your motivation and your reasons for it is what needs to be assessed because that could be unhealthy.
I have noticed myself also starting to exhibit wounded masculine traits. And I think maybe that’s part of the process. I was all wounded feminine – then you need a bit of balance of like masculine and feminine traits and then hopefully you move into the healthier expression of both energies.
Q. Where did you get this concept of wounded masculine and wounded feminine from?
I’ve been doing a lot of reading. There are plenty of YouTube pages dedicated to healing your inner child and your inner trauma and I think it’s all connected.
So, it’s through my own research and reflections as well. Talking to friends who are going through similar things. Friends who have gone through similar things but are further down the journey can sort of look back at me and say, you know I was there a few years ago or I was there this time last year and this is sort of how I’ve processed it all.
I think it’s just going inwards. All the answers are within you. And you just have to be brutally honest with yourself and that could be such a painful process at first but ultimately, it’s worth it because it frees and liberates you.
Q. There’s a lot of talk around toxic masculinity but there’s not much talk about toxic femininity – tell me more!
I think the words toxic makes us reluctant. If I were a man and I heard the word toxic masculinity that would be insulting and I would have my guard up immediately. And even as a woman to hear toxic femininity to put those two together is very damaging because we have an idea of what femininity is and what masculinity is. Your first impression, if you don’t think deeply about it, is going to be that femininity is toxic and masculinity is toxic. And I think that gets our guard up, it gets us with our backs up against the wall.
Thinking about it that way isn’t going to change the relationship between men and women because it’s demonising. But I think if you look at it as wounded femininity and wounded masculinity you realise that it comes from a place of pain and hurt.
And so, what is it that has caused these traits? And more often or not you’ll find that it’s caused by childhood trauma in most cases. I think we have a better chance of repairing the relationship between men and women if we look at those traits that we don’t like that are expressed by either gender by the way. If we look at those traits coming from wounds, we have a better chance of healing them and overcoming that problem and repairing the relationship.
Q. What would you say is a book that you’ve read that has changed your life? Or has changed your perspective?
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison who recently passed away. The reason why it changed my life. Firstly, it is both literally and metaphorically about learning how to fly, how to give up everything that weighs you down. Secondly, it was written by a woman about young black men.
It was for me an insight into the wounds and the damage and the pain that men can experience and when you see someone who isn’t like you in the position of being a victim. Not that the protagonists are victims in this. Nobody is a victim they are all very much empowered and they have free will. But when you see somebody else who isn’t like you – so, I’m not black and I’m not a man. But to get an insight into that sort of perspective, it just helps me get over myself a little bit like you don’t have it that bad.
I just think it was an interesting exploration of what pressure and overachieving enable wounded men to do as a way of trying to heal and how that can then damage their loved ones. Also what can happen when they free themselves of that trauma and they go back to who they really are without all of the BS.
I’d never actually made a conscious link between that book and the topic we are discussing right now. I’m only realising it now as I speak. That’s a book I go back to once a year.
Q. What’s one resource you’d recommend my readers to check out on Instagram, YouTube or a podcast?
There’s an Instagram page called Rising Woman that is very much focused on doing the inner work. Shifting your focus from looking at the outside world to looking inwards and healing your relationships through looking inwards.
In terms of podcast, I’d recommend Lewis Howes – he runs the School of Greatness Podcast. He talks about toxic masculinity but the pressures of masculinity but it’s very much balanced. It’s about a lot of different things, but again I think that’s something that could bring you into being balanced because it’s how to live your best life.
On YouTube, Marissa Peer is great. Her outlook is every human has the same problem. It’s the feeling that they are not enough. That’s the only problem that exists and it manifests in different ways and causes a multitude of different issues.
I think self-acceptance is the only way to heal ourselves. I think acceptance from the external world soothes us for a short while but then something happens and then it just doesn’t feel quite enough. So, I think self-acceptance should be a priority for all of us.
Q. What’s your definition of purpose?
To do what you would do if nobody was looking or listening because I think that’s when you are in true alignment with yourself when you are not worrying about other people’s reactions.
Q. Where can we find you?
I don’t have a website right now, but you can find me on Instagram @minathecreather
Q. So to close the podcast, if you could speak to your younger self. What would you say to her?
I would say, you are enough just as you are and it’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright. You’ve got everything you need within you so how could it not be?
I would like to thank Amina for joining me today!
Love – Princess S
Inbox of Purpose is my journal where I share candid thoughts about my life, career, relationships, my passion for psychology, personal development and more! I also run a positive affirmation online clothing store – Lioness Awaken Apparel. Check it out.
Hi, I’m Princess S.
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